i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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