i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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