If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
