he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize