I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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