Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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