Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
