There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize