Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
