I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
