I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
