Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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