I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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