I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
