I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
