ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Randomize
