found the other keg... it's in the tree
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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