Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
