I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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