even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
