You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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