My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
she looked like the before picture.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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