sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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