there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Randomize
