my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
