I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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