i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
