ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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