Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
