My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
