I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
