Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
