Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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