Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
