Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
