My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
