i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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