not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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