guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
