My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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