Swine flu. Run for my life!
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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