Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
My cat gives me a boner
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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