I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
