He asked to "fluff my boner.."
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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