Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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