this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
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