turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
