When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
