hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
