My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
