i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize