Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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