ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize