Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Randomize
