my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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