so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
