I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
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