Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
