I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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