im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
